Respect the process:
Remember that there is no pride or honour in rushing into things just for the result. The satisfaction will be temporary and not worth it. Although the process is sometimes long, painful and energy consuming, it is necessary. Remember the feeling of getting a good grade on an exam you studied super hard for, you worked hard for that grade and the success belongs to you and you alone. No one can take that away from you. Well its the same thing in life. RIght now I am trying to break the pattern I’ve created about being in a relationship. I took the courage to break up with someone with whom I was comfortable because I know that if I truly want to be happy and have a fulfilling relationship I need to be okay with myself before I can accept someone else’s love. The process sucks trust me. Its lonely, it’s hard, and its really tempting. But its the only way. I am such an impatient person too - I want everything to be okay right fucking now and I usually know where I want to be and how I want to feel but it just doesn’t work that way and I learnt that the hard way. Without the process you’ll never be ready for what you want. Even though you understand something intellectually doesn’t mean you feel it emotionally. And thats hard. Respect the process
Right and … right?:
Stuff is new right now. Progress is one step forward two steps back right? Sometimes I feel like Im going to make a mistake and then fall back into a downward spiral and then just start the whole pattern again. But its important to remember how far i’ve come and that the process can’t be undone because that is what taught me the ways of where I am right now. I am stuck wanting to be more carefree and have less anxiety and just go with the fucking flow but Im just not there yet I guess and I can’t just go out on the fucking town and make out with everyone and have a one night stand and get super wasted and then not feel terrible about it the next day? It doesn’t make sense you know.. Im figuring out where the line is between right and wrong, what Im okay with and what I can’t accept. Its a process that takes time and mistakes. I think its important to keep in mind that whatever happens, happens. In the end it’ll be okay you know? Everything is a learning experience and just as long as I make my own decisions, respect the process and am not too hard on myself for feeling out situations.. It’ll be okay. I mean, I can’t know what I’m okay with if I don’t try right? As long as its not heroine I’m all good.
Automatic writing is writing allegedly directed by a spirit or by the unconscious mind. It is sometimes called “trance” writing because it is done quickly and without judgment, writing whatever comes to mind, “without consciousness,” as if in a trance. It is believed that this allows one to tap into the subconscious mind, where “the true self” dwells. Trance writing is also used by some psychotherapists who think it is a quick way to release repressed memories.
I just want to write to free myself from all these feelings that don’t have their place. When I am inside my own head (always) it’s really difficult to decide if I am too hard on myself or if I really do deserve all the pressure. I feel mostly immense feelings of guilt and I truly believe guilt is one of those feelings that fills you to the brim and doesn’t leave space for anything else. I am constantly asking myself why I feel guilty because honestly I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. I am doing my best to give myself what I need, may it be time, or space, or respect and maybe that’s the problem you know? The guilt comes when I feel like I’ve been selfish… That Im only listening to myself and forgetting I have a role to fulfill. I am a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend… I think the thing is that there are some things that are really hard to do all at once. Like I have been making major efforts to be true to myself, to really put myself first and listen to what I need but what happens when your mind is telling you something so crazy but your way too scared you know? For example you know you’re unhappy in a certain situation but the chore of dealing with the pain of what ensues if you change the situation is really hard to deal with you know? It’s good now, I am familiar with this, I am dealing. But making a major change in my life and knowing it’s gunna hurt you know isn’t easy. Which takes me back to the beginning, I feel guilty, lazy etc.
Take My Picture by Garage Magazine